Guest blog from Nick Evans – Read more of his thoughts on life HERE

I haven’t posted for a while because of that lethal holy trinity – fear, procrastination and self doubt.

They are bad enough in isolation but when they join forces it’s bloody lethal.

I didn’t feel I had anything worthwhile to share, had radically transformed or rid myself of all those pesky habits. I didn’t feel particularly inspired or funny so I did what I usually do. Retreat to self!

I didn’t want to write another blog saying, ‘when will I change?’ – This is both boring and familiar. So instead I wrote nothing. My head was telling me one thing, reality another. I became imprisoned in self.

This is an evil trap to fall into. The head. Don’t bloody listen to it. It’s dangerous to go into alone sometimes. As an addict or alcoholic (I know normal people have bad thinking too so I’m not missing you out) negative dangerous destructive thinking is par for the course – But here’s the truth. Most of it is total bull.

I’m reading ‘The Chimp Complex’ at the moment, by Dr Stephen Peters. He basically comes at it from a scientific angle.He calls the ‘head’ ‘the Chimp with it’s own entity. He calls us ‘humans’. Our job as humans is to apply the ‘human’ part of the brain or logic, and find ways of managing the chimp and putting it back in its box. Not to let it control us. That’s what mine has been doing this week.

My Chimp is my alcoholic mind. The commentary that tells me ‘you’re no good, you’re a waste of time, or ‘lets be fearful, worried, jealous and slothful’. That compares and despairs me next to others – All those wonderful thought processes that render me useless and keep me ‘down there’, where it wants me.

As a recovering alcoholic with a 12 step programme, there are many tools I can use to help drag me out of this. Sometimes I use them immediately, other times it takes longer. But I always use it in the end instead of alcohol or drugs. Sometimes I have used other things to ‘fix’ this thinking. Sex, shopping, food, relationships, attention, box-sets, exercise. Anything other than a spiritual fix to make me feel better. But in the end I return to some form of spiritual solution and the other things revert back to normal healthy proportions. When I treat my head, I exercise because I want too instead of needing too. I have sex because I like it rather than compulsively to make me feel better about myself. I’ll eat because I’m hungry rather than gorge to suppress reality – and so on. Life becomes healthier and more ‘normal’.

I’ve noticed that some people have their own inbuilt 12 step programme. An incredible ability to get themselves out of this thinking and change it around. I admire these people greatly. They move from darkness to light self sufficiently and it is awesome to behold. Big shout to you lot.

Other’s need help from things such as yoga, counselling, therapy, meditation etc to get out of the head and into positive action. It seems that most of the self help industry is dedicated to this in different forms. It’s about fighting those demons in your head and moving into health and happiness

The only problem with this is that it requires action. Usually on a daily basis. And for most of us in today’s society we want a ‘quick fix’. Someone to do it for us. Isn’t there an App for that??. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that and we have to find a place where we are either too uncomfortable, in too much pain or just sick of ourselves before we do something about it.

And then when we do want to do something about it that’s where the real confusion comes in. Where do we start? So many self help blogs, websites, spiritual practices, therapies. The latest fashionable way of life, guides to happiness, catchy inspirational quotes. it becomes overwhelming. Since when did we have to get some perfect? When did this pressure to improve our lives kick in?

Have we ever considered we’re actually OK? Have we actually considered we’re exactly where we are supposed to be right now?

But you know what? We needn’t worry. It is never that bad. Sometimes we feel we’re worse than we are. We’re not. We’re doing OK. We really are.

All week I’ve been listening to people hammer themselves for slight character traits in the pursuit of happiness and enlightenment. Really admirable people trying to better themselves and rid negative processes. This I respect hugely.

But you know what – My Father’s anniversary of his death has made me think. We’re doing OK. Because his death was such a savage alcoholic one. Because it was so lonely, inhumane and empty. So low bottom. Because he slung along on the bottom for so long. Years. It made me think if we are sober, or clean, or married, or have kids, jobs, life. Even if we’re carrying a bit of weight, or can’t stop smoking, or in unhappy relationships. We’re actually doing OK. We can do something about these. We’re in the game. We’re alive for gods sake and we’re being human!!!

Part of the fun of being human is messing up. Part of the fun is being unhappy because then we are prepared to do something about it! Part of the fun is in the character defects we have. In our imperfections. In our madness sometimes. The fun is in the journey to change them. If we spend all our lives trying to be perfect or castigating ourselves for not being this or not being that we miss out on the fun. We miss out on the pointers. We miss out on so much.

When I hear people who are sober, or clean or trying to get better hammer themselves for not being perfect it pains me. When I hear myself beat myself up that I’m not a best selling author or ‘those people on Facebook are doing better than me’, I need a slap of reality. I’m well ahead of the game of where I was 14 years ago when I woke up drunk, smelly and fat on my girlfriend’s sofa thinking, ‘I need help here’.

So why beat myself up? Why hammer ourselves if we’re not perfect? We’re doing better than we think we are. If we accept our defects and habits then surely that’s the first step to making them better. Learning to laugh at them is even more powerful. Sure, it doesn’t cure them but guaranteed it makes them less painful and life becomes lighter.

Radical acceptance of self both good and bad is a massive step forward. It’s something I’ve been doing this week and it really does work. Try it!

I’m a big fan of all of us today. We’re all magnificent people doing the best we can!

Today I was in town and spent time with a guy 2 weeks off booze and heroin. I gave him a huge hug and told him he was the healthiest looking heroin addict I’ve seen in many a year. I told him he was OK, not to beat himself up. Not live in the could haves but live in today and it made me think of myself and for myself to do it, hence why I’m writing this blog.

I slipped a little back into self when on the tube at rush hour, but then a father of two sons, holding their hands slipped in front of me. One if his boys was shaking and clearly had a severe nervous disorder and mental illness. It made my heart melt. I had huge admiration of the father who was showing his boys equal love. But also at how fragile we all are, how lucky I really am to have what I have and how we can all reach out to someone and give them a little help now and again.

Getting out of self can be freeing. So why not do something for someone else tonight. Drop your parents a text, tell a friend they are ace, congratulate your man for not pissing on the toilet seat. It doesn’t have to be big but just enough to make you feel like a magnificent bastard because you really are.

Did I make you feel good? I hope I did as that what makes me feel good!

Love you big

Nicky Evans